Free Cervical Screening .. Just costs a little bit of Dignity

So on Tuesday I went for my very first cervical smear test. Yes, it’s been left a little late, but better late than never right?

I joined a surgery a few months ago which is conveniently across the street from my flat, and on the day I joined they do a quick health check. This was not quick! They took medical history, height, weight, and then proceeded to take blood and give me some stick to put up my vagina to do an STD test aswell! I felt like I just had a full service at a garage or something. I called in for my results a couple days later and I was awarded a clean bill of health, phew what a relief!!

So the next thing is I get a letter to say I’m entitled to a free cervical screening at my local GP just make an appointment when I am ready. Spurred on my how great the check up went I’m thinking it’s finally time to do one of these smear tests, I’m too old to let it go any longer. Rang the surgery and booked in for two weeks later.

The day finally arrived on Tuesday and I was nervous! My friend has told me what it was like and how awkward she felt getting it done so I expected the same. I sat in the waiting room, crossing my legs tightly (like that would stop it from happening lol) and waited to be called. My name finally flashes up to go to room 6. I go to room 6 and it’s the same nurse that did my first check up, kinda relieved it’s a familiar face. Then I realise she’s going to be routing around my vajayjay!

So she tells me drop my leggings and knickers to my ankles and sit on the bed. Then she’s trying to cover my private parts with some flimsy blue couch roll as I’m manoeuvring down the bed on my back and bum. So as if this wasn’t cringey enough she the proceeds to invite a medical student in the room and asks me if I mind whether she looks in on the procedure! What kind of bitch says no to that, why deny this poor little student girl a chance to learn about smear tests! So I said of course you can both stare at my vajayjay, please continue!

So I’m lying here and they’re at my feet, blue couch roll tissue over my hips and she’s saying to open my legs more and to relax. This is all starting to become slightly funny and next thing I know I’m giggling my ass off and apologising for finding it so funny! This whole time she’s just saying relax and it will feel strange.. And this woman is at my feet sticking things inside me and routing around for my cervix! It was all ok to be honest until she started scraping… Oh my god it felt like someone was sandpapering my cervix! It’s the strangest feeling like little scratches but little vibrations aswell.. Urghhhh! So I’m still laughing nervously and feeling like I just want it to be over and then she’s like “now, *slides out stick* ,that’s all done! The poor medical student thinks I’m insane at this point just giggling away and saying ooooh that was weird over and over.. I couldn’t help myself!

So I’m pulling back up my knickers and leggings and getting off the couch and I’m thinking to myself, you know that’s really not even too bad. So I’m glad I plucked up the courage to go and do it finally and for anyone else who is too nervous or embarrassed or puts it off, just go do it.. It’s not a big deal, these nurses do these things daily and they won’t remember your vajayjay more than anyone else’s! It can save your life lets be real, so go get your smear and have a giggle it makes it a lot easier!

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4 comments

  1. Your first pap was almost exactly like my first pap, down to the nervous giggling, only the doctor examining me was a nice Scottish woman who calmly stopped rooting around and said, “If you can’t stop giggling, you will eject the instrument [the speculum] into my lap.” Which only made me giggle harder. I never did eject it though. Then she started feeling around to make sure all my parts were in place, furrowed her brow, and said, “You have a very small uterus.”

    I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t get more comfortable, even after 17 years, but you do get used to it. Eventually you’ll even be able to have casual conversations with the doctor πŸ™‚

    1. I think it was quite bearable compared to what people had advised me beforehand! I could quite happily go again now I’ve done it once. And as my boyfriend keeps telling me once I get pregnant it’s all over .. my vagina becomes basically a focal point in every doctors appointment haha πŸ˜‰

      1. Hmmm, it might be different in the UK than in the States, but that’s only towards the end when the OB is checking for dilation and effacement, and maybe at the beginning if you need a very early ultrasound and they have to use the wand. Other than that it’s a lot of blood pressure monitoring, blood draws, and peeing in cups; your junks is safe!

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