Anxiety

Nightmares

I woke up when my other half was getting ready for work at 5am and then once he left I drifted off again. In the space of the hour before my alarm went off I managed to have such a horrible dream.

You know when you have a nightmare and it’s absolutely terrifying when it’s happening and the minute you wake, then once you’ve tried to decipher it and remember it all, it’s suddenly sounds kind of ridiculous? It’s so weird and annoying.

In my dream the thought of a man driving a blue 7 seater and rolling over my iPhone was absolutely horrific. I really felt like screaming and crying hysterically. And my other half and his brother and nephew were in my dream and they weren’t doing anything odd but it seemed weird still. It’s just the bad feelings and bad vibes make it feel a lot more scary than what’s happening. I don’t know if any of this is making sense!

Anyway, my main point is, I went to sleep really sad and upset and not really wanting to speak to my other half and this was fully reflected in my unconscious mind while I slept. It shows that my brain was affected by real events and was trying to replay the feeling in my dream. It’s very strange and weird and I definitely don’t feel right today.

After this job I want to go home and shower and get back into bed to try and shake off this weird cloak of sadness and fear. Crazy how small things can have such an impact.

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Men and women VS A change in plans

I’m convinced that men and women will never agree on how to react to a last minute change in plan.

Now I do understand that it depends a lot on the type of person you are in general and not just on gender! I’m not ashamed to admit, I am quite an impatient person, it’s part of who I am, and I also detest change. I am a creature of habit, I crave security and when I make a plan you can be damn sure I will try my best to stick to it.

Being in a committed relationship with someone I consider to be an amazing man – handsome, loving, honest, kind, caring, funny, attentive – I find it so hard to keep on top of these bad traits of mine. He’s so great sometimes I genuinely feel bad if I get annoyed about what seems like trivial stuff.

We have never had a blazing row, we had calm discussions about three or four times in our relationship to point out what things were annoying us but all easily solved and rarely repeated…. Except this changing plans at the last minute thing. It’s come up now a few times and I feel like I have explained to him why it annoys me but today it’s happened again.

From early on we were so serious and spend almost all our time together, he practically lives here.. But it’s been a joy and everyday he has to leave for work or whatever he’s straight away saying he misses me or can’t wait to see me. But it’s happened once or twice before that his friend will text or call while he’s out and will ask him to do something. Now, being the normal happy girlfriend I am I would never stop him from meeting friends or family or going football or whatever, but if he’s made plans to return home to me or have dinner or whatever we have been texting about all day, it annoys me if he says he wants to actually go see his friend now instead, at an hours notice.

So I guess in my head it all sounds reasonable, you can’t be texting me saying you can’t wait to get home and then say you’re not coming back for a few more hours after all because your friend invited you over. I didn’t call my friends or arrange to do anything because you were coming here after work!? So you decide to change your plans cos it suits you but I’m gonna be left at home having not made any other plans? Is this being selfish or am I just trying to be fair to both. I wouldn’t and have never done this to him.

It makes me feel second best that I’m so easily discarded. I fully take on board we didn’t have much planned and we do spend loads of time together. I would just rather, instead of being dropped like a hot rock when something else comes up, that he thinks about it and maybe reschedules with the friend for the next day or something when he knows he’s free and hasn’t made plans.

So while I’m here getting all worked up and feeling like rubbish, he genuinely doesn’t see any issue I don’t think.. Like in his mind he was just gonna spend a few hours with a friend and then come down later than planned. Not a big deal right…

So are men and women programmed differently, do women take things more personally, or is this my issue completely?? Surely I can’t be alone in hating when people mess up your plans together in favour of seeing someone else?

Help me, please men and women of wordpress, give me your view and your advice.

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First world problems

No matter how bad I think my day is or what kind of drama I go through I just need to keep things in perspective.

Firstly, I have my good health and I am so thankful for that. I have an amazing family, boyfriend and friends. I still have a roof over my head, and if I don’t I have a mum who will take me in. I still eat well everyday. I can afford to smoke casually. I can buy toilet roll, washing powder, shampoo, toothpaste and other necessities when I need to. I have access to wifi and I have a laptop. I have a huge TV, thanks to my dad last year. I have plenty of clothes, some still with tags on. I have more shoes than I can wear. I have jackets for the winter. I have a travel card which I can afford to top up regularly. I have a drawer full of jewellery, real and costume. I get my nails done once a month and I can buy my hair dyes. The best part is even if I go flat broke over here, I have a savings account with a few thousand in it if I really really really get stuck.

Seriously my life is a party compared to some people. I need to wake up each day and be so thankful for the things I have and the things I can do for myself. Plenty of people have no welfare to rely on, no savings, not even food or a bed to call their own. And don’t forget those poor people stuck in the middle of wars or fighting in their countries. I genuinely don’t know how I would cope.

Please take a minute to just think about everything you have and what you might take for granted each day. Simple things like showering, eating, travelling on a bus… Not everyone has those luxuries believe me.

More job hunting

This whole online application process is getting soooo repetitive and boring.

I have literally applied for an average of up to five or six jobs per day the last few weeks, and I have had no replies for anything since the end of June! And even that was for a job I can’t accept due to the contracted hours being too low.

I really really need an income soon, my savings are going to run out this summer and I will be in such a quandary. I don’t want to leave London, I want to stay here and build a life with my boyfriend. If I run out of money it means I have to return to Ireland, with no money and no job and maybe no boyfriend… I can’t even comprehend. He says he will come with me if I have to go but I know he doesn’t really want to. It’s such a predicament I can’t stop thinking about it.

I need to go and read The Secret again and get some positivity top ups. I also might try some meditation because I need to calm my mind and not allow myself get panicky again.
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Loneliness

It’s hard to be living in a different country away from my family and my friends. When I moved to London I really only knew one or two people over here and not very well. It was a brand new beginning for me, which I wanted and needed I think.

When I went to college last summer I met my best friend over here and she’s my rock. I met her cousin and we all became friends. I also made another friend through chatting on twitter for months before the move and I see her sometimes. I’ve made one or two good acquaintances through doing photoshoots etc but again it’s not like having lots of real friends over here.

I obviously see my boyfriend most days which is lovely and he wants to be around me as much as he can. But certain times, he wants to do other things and I’m kinda stuck with no one in the house or the few friends I have are too far away or too busy… It’s hard! I get a kind of lonely feeling or a left out kinda feeling. I definitely don’t expect him to be my shadow and constantly within my reach but I do find it hard to have not many other distractions, especially because of being unemployed, I just have so much free time. I try to do things during the day and get out of the house but it’s also a pain because I don’t have money to spare and going out in London requires a few pounds even if you don’t do much!!

I guess I miss the ease of having my car and just popping into a friend or going downstairs to chat to my mum. It’s a big difference being over here lonely and having so much spare time and no spare money!

Just have to stay positive and feel that a job is on it’s way!! Hopefully when I’m busy five days a week I will learn to enjoy my Me Time and not worry about being stuck home alone anymore!

Should be sleeping but..

I don’t feel right. I’m in a weird mood the last few days where I’m questioning everything.

What if…

This phrase is a pain in the ass. If you spend your life wondering “what if” then you miss out on all the actual happenings!

What if I did something in my past a different way? What if I say a certain thing today? What if a crisis happens tomorrow? These types of questions can drive you insane but I guess we all sit and think about the answers to them sometimes.

Yes, you may have been able to do something differently in your past but you can’t CHANGE the past, so you may as well stop lamenting about it and what you could have done differently and how that would have affected your life. Move on from the past and realise you are not your past, you are the person you choose to be and you can change how you act or how you speak or think at anytime whatsoever.

In your present you can’t stop and think “what if” at every turn.. Sometimes you just need to make an instant decision and run with it! These days you can’t possibly have the time needed to weigh out the pros and cons of every single decision each day. If you can make a quick decision about what colour socks to wear or what coffee to order then try to apply that calm uncomplicated thinking to other choices in life. You will naturally gravitate towards what feels right so don’t doubt yourself, just go for it.

As for the future, I reckon the only way you can improve what’s coming next is to enjoy yourself in your present and that will bring you more and more happiness for your future.. I know it is human nature it to wonder about that which we don’t know or haven’t experienced yet, but, as a believer in the law of attraction, it’s clear you need to focus all your thoughts on feeling happy and feeling fulfilled so that you can attract more of those feelings for your future.

Now if I could just take my own advice and stop wondering about the what ifs then it would all be wonderful but sometimes I can’t even help myself. I want to think about how things I decide now may affect my future or how decisions I made in the past have affected my future..

I guess my saving Grace is that my present, although far from perfect, is giving me good feelings of love and that is strong enough to outweigh the negativity from being unemployed. I just hope that for my own sanity I get a job soon so that I get to have a busier schedule and less time to worry about money or relationships. Nothing worse than too much time on your hands. End up thinking all sorts of crazy stuff and putting yourself on edge. Like now.

Worrying about worrying

I am an anxious person by nature. Although, I have realised, parts of me can be quite positive and hopeful.

Partly I blame my mum cos she’s a worrier and I just LOVE to thank her for passing the trait on to me! But worrying and being anxious is a cycle you get into and it’s hard to get out of sometimes.

I read The Secret a few years ago and it really really helped me through a transition period in my life (il probably blog about that stuff at some point). The Law of Attraction theory is an old one and can be quite easy to pick up and apply to your life. However, it gets harder when lots of things are going wrong in your life suddenly, you are supposed to stay positive and not think about the negatives. Here I find there is an element of fear I encounter where IF I put on a brave face and try to act and feel positive then I end up literally stressing that maybe I’m not worrying enough!! It’s like feeling guilty for having a fun stress free day when I’ve got so much unsettlement in my life.
On the flip side if I sit here all day fretting I make myself even more stressed and worried and I start to think about trying to stop worrying so much!! Can you imagine!? Worrying about the level of your worrying!

Since reading The Secret I have gone on to read The Power. I’ve been learning to be positive and imagine amazing outcomes for myself by visualising how it will be when I have the job/car/money/family I want. The only problem is I can’t seem to stop worrying about HOW I’m going to achieve these things! The Secret is apparently to NOT worry about how things will materialise just know that they will, believe they will and FEEL they will!

This is a scary thought for me because I crave security and I want to know how I will get that, I can’t focus on just some day having it!! How will that happen!? Will I get the good job? Will I be a famous blogger? Will I win the lotto!?

I’m trying really hard to snap out of this negative pattern of thought but it’s very very hard at this moment in time…