London

Nightmares

I woke up when my other half was getting ready for work at 5am and then once he left I drifted off again. In the space of the hour before my alarm went off I managed to have such a horrible dream.

You know when you have a nightmare and it’s absolutely terrifying when it’s happening and the minute you wake, then once you’ve tried to decipher it and remember it all, it’s suddenly sounds kind of ridiculous? It’s so weird and annoying.

In my dream the thought of a man driving a blue 7 seater and rolling over my iPhone was absolutely horrific. I really felt like screaming and crying hysterically. And my other half and his brother and nephew were in my dream and they weren’t doing anything odd but it seemed weird still. It’s just the bad feelings and bad vibes make it feel a lot more scary than what’s happening. I don’t know if any of this is making sense!

Anyway, my main point is, I went to sleep really sad and upset and not really wanting to speak to my other half and this was fully reflected in my unconscious mind while I slept. It shows that my brain was affected by real events and was trying to replay the feeling in my dream. It’s very strange and weird and I definitely don’t feel right today.

After this job I want to go home and shower and get back into bed to try and shake off this weird cloak of sadness and fear. Crazy how small things can have such an impact.

Getting To Know You *sings*

A to Z About Me blog questionnaire

I have seen a few blogs posting these types of get-to-know you posts so I think I might have a go. I’m a bit sick of writing about the same things so this might jog my brain a bit!

Do read, enjoy and comment or re-blog with your answers!

A. Age: 29 and 9 months

B. Bed size: Kingsize double which currently has leopard print sheets, and which I normally share with my beautiful boyfriend 🙂

C. Chore that you hate: anything involving my hands getting dirty, I also gag on the smell of bleach so I hate mopping and cleaning the bathroom

D. Dogs: I absolutely love dogs, I can’t have any where I live now but our family pets are in my mums, two miniature Jack Russell’s called Minnie and Muffin

E. Essential start to your day: A cuddle and kiss from my boyfriend and a cold drink!

F. Favourite color: I tend to wear a lot of black, but I am a girly girl who loves pink too, especially neon!

G. Gold or Silver: GOLD!!! No question here anyone who knows me knows I love all gold everything!!!

H. Height: 5’8″ (that’s such a guess)

I. Instruments you play: At the moment I don’t play any instruments but I am trained in piano up to a grade 6 diploma, unfortunately I gave up in my early teens and I wish I hadn’t

J. Job title: I’m technically unemployed and looking for a full time job (which I am struggling with and it makes my life annoying) but I am a makeup artist who does some freelance work when possible

K. Kids: I actually cannot wait for the day I get to have a child, it’s my purpose in life!!

L. Live: I guess live your life the way that makes you happy, try be positive and be kind and helpful to others, be honest and be grateful for what you have.

M. Mother’s name: Caroline … Sweet Caroline do do do good times never felt so good .. This woman is amazing!

N. Nicknames: I actually have a few! From young I was called fifitrixibell which then had many versions fi, fif, fifi.. All from fam and friends.. and most recently Trixi, from my old work friends. Also I had a nickname of Nons because of some kid that couldn’t say Fiona and called me Nona which for shortened to Nons.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Just one night when I got my tonsils taken out a few years ago.. It was totally not as bad as people tell you lol

P. Pet peeves: I have so many pet peeves I couldn’t even list them, that could be an idea for a post lol.. But I do get extremely annoyed with bad drivers, people who walk slow in front of me, people who are very fussy with where they eat (too dirty, I see a hair,it’s too run down), people who are annoying drunks, people who are late or change plans.. Lol I told you there’s a lot

Q. Quote from a movie: “nobody puts Baby in the corner”

I was raised on dirty dancing and that’s the vital line!

R. Right or left handed: Right handed, I can write mirror writing with my left hand

S. Siblings: I have two younger sisters, one at home in my mums in Ireland and one in Perth, Australia

T. Time you wake up: Varies every day, because I’m unemployed 😦

U. Underwear: I hate thongs so rarely them, I wear boy shorts or French knickers mostly and I love pretty bras and lingerie sets.

V. Vegetable you hate: I’m not a huge fan of vegetables in general, I don’t like turnip, parsnip, swede, carrots or green beans.. I eat a lot of potato, broccoli, cauliflower and mushrooms

W. What makes you run late: I am rarely late in any way shape or form, it would be a train delay or extreme traffic that made me late, I always arrive earlier than needed!

X. X-Rays you’ve had: I’ve had a few, I broke my arm in two places when I was about 14 and I badly sprained my ankle around that time aswell so more x-rays, and also I had braces so had regular mouth x-rays at my orthodontist.

Y. Yummy food that you love: I LOVE FOOD! I adore cheese and eat all sorts of cheese in a meal or as a snack or whatever I can! I love potato in any form, baked, mashed, roasted, chips.. My favourite meal is usually a huge bowl of pasta, creamy and cheesy with chicken and mushroom or something like that. I also adore a rare steak smothered in garlic butter! I love savoury foods more than sweet but for desserts I love cheesecake or profiteroles yummmm now I’m just hungry lol

Z. Zoo: I’ve been to Dublin Zoo and Fota Wildlife Park in Ireland, and also been to Amsterdam zoo twice. Don’t think I’ve been anywhere else. I love feeding time at the zoo or also seeing the monkeys go crazy!

Free Cervical Screening .. Just costs a little bit of Dignity

So on Tuesday I went for my very first cervical smear test. Yes, it’s been left a little late, but better late than never right?

I joined a surgery a few months ago which is conveniently across the street from my flat, and on the day I joined they do a quick health check. This was not quick! They took medical history, height, weight, and then proceeded to take blood and give me some stick to put up my vagina to do an STD test aswell! I felt like I just had a full service at a garage or something. I called in for my results a couple days later and I was awarded a clean bill of health, phew what a relief!!

So the next thing is I get a letter to say I’m entitled to a free cervical screening at my local GP just make an appointment when I am ready. Spurred on my how great the check up went I’m thinking it’s finally time to do one of these smear tests, I’m too old to let it go any longer. Rang the surgery and booked in for two weeks later.

The day finally arrived on Tuesday and I was nervous! My friend has told me what it was like and how awkward she felt getting it done so I expected the same. I sat in the waiting room, crossing my legs tightly (like that would stop it from happening lol) and waited to be called. My name finally flashes up to go to room 6. I go to room 6 and it’s the same nurse that did my first check up, kinda relieved it’s a familiar face. Then I realise she’s going to be routing around my vajayjay!

So she tells me drop my leggings and knickers to my ankles and sit on the bed. Then she’s trying to cover my private parts with some flimsy blue couch roll as I’m manoeuvring down the bed on my back and bum. So as if this wasn’t cringey enough she the proceeds to invite a medical student in the room and asks me if I mind whether she looks in on the procedure! What kind of bitch says no to that, why deny this poor little student girl a chance to learn about smear tests! So I said of course you can both stare at my vajayjay, please continue!

So I’m lying here and they’re at my feet, blue couch roll tissue over my hips and she’s saying to open my legs more and to relax. This is all starting to become slightly funny and next thing I know I’m giggling my ass off and apologising for finding it so funny! This whole time she’s just saying relax and it will feel strange.. And this woman is at my feet sticking things inside me and routing around for my cervix! It was all ok to be honest until she started scraping… Oh my god it felt like someone was sandpapering my cervix! It’s the strangest feeling like little scratches but little vibrations aswell.. Urghhhh! So I’m still laughing nervously and feeling like I just want it to be over and then she’s like “now, *slides out stick* ,that’s all done! The poor medical student thinks I’m insane at this point just giggling away and saying ooooh that was weird over and over.. I couldn’t help myself!

So I’m pulling back up my knickers and leggings and getting off the couch and I’m thinking to myself, you know that’s really not even too bad. So I’m glad I plucked up the courage to go and do it finally and for anyone else who is too nervous or embarrassed or puts it off, just go do it.. It’s not a big deal, these nurses do these things daily and they won’t remember your vajayjay more than anyone else’s! It can save your life lets be real, so go get your smear and have a giggle it makes it a lot easier!

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Happy Birthday Mum

Today is my mums birthday and I am so gutted I can’t be there to celebrate with her and give her a hug and kiss. This is the second year I haven’t been there and I’ve decided that next year no matter what I will be by her side on her birthday.

We take our parents for granted so much while growing up. It’s only when you are living your own life, and can’t depend on your mum to be there at every step, that you realise how grateful you are. I am so grateful my mum did so much for me and tried so hard to keep me on the right path. I was a troublesome teenager I can admit but because of how she raised me I soon snapped out of my rebellious phase and knew I was worth more. And I knew she deserved more from me.

These days I really miss our everyday relationship, it’s so hard to not have a little chat everyday when I’m in and out of the house. I live alone (well just technically, as my boyfriend is here more than he’s not here!) and I miss knowing she’s downstairs to chat to while I make dinner or sit down and watch some TV.

As I get older and think about settling down and having my own family it kills me to think she’s not going to be there to see every day or be involved so much in my children’s lives if I remain in London. I guess I won’t know what the future holds but either way it just takes effort on both sides to make sure she is with me as much as possible or that I am with her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I hope she knows that. Good mums are actually not as common as you think and when I hear stories from other people about their mums or lack of mum, it makes me feel even more lucky.

I was raised to be a good, kind, honest girl. And that is 100% down to my my mum and her constant good parenting. I thank god everyday for her and I can only hope that I would be as good as mum as she is.

Happy Birthday Caroline xxxx

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I’m melting!!!

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Oh my lord this heat is killing me!! I’ve just been out to the Westfields shopping centre, praise The Lord for air conditioning!

In this type of hot weather I feel like I want to take up residence in my shower. I leave the house feeling fresh and by the time I get to the next road I feel like I’ve been sitting in a sauna all day wearing a ski suit. Boiling!! I wonder is it because I’m Irish and we are used to such boring mild weather. I don’t think my body and skin are made to cope with 30 degree heat, especially when it’s on a regular day!

Now that being said.. It’s a whole other story if I’m on a lounger with a cocktail, next to a swimming pool, in the Caribbean or something! I think in my little bikini I could cope with that quite well for a couple weeks! I guess I don’t have the confidence to stroll around London wearing next to nothing in daylight hours!

So I’ve just got home. I’ve removed every inch of clammy clothing and am currently setting the shower to cold before I climb in and spend the next hour regulating my body temperature!

Feeling Irish-er

There’s something about being away from your homeland than makes you feel a lot more attached to it. I feel so much more Irish since I’ve lived outside of Ireland! And I think sometimes I must be exaggerating in my brain how lovely it is at home because if it was that lovely why did I leave!?

I was born in Ireland in 1984. To be honest I can’t tell you much about the country in those times! I went to a catholic girls school because that was the norm. As far as I know there was only one school that was for non catholic children back then. I went on to yet another catholic girls school for secondary education. While at both schools there was a big emphasis on religion and we would go to the church often and have school masses and all that jazz. While at school we used to learn our prayers and hymns in the Irish language. I can still reel off the “Our Father” in Irish (Ár nAthaír) or sing some of “Céad Mile Failte Romhat a íosa” which was a hymn at my First Holy Communion all those years ago!

In my teens I went on a cheap package holiday to Tenerife with my mum, sisters and my best friend. Me and my friend would sneak out in the evenings and go to clubs and to the Irish bar. Here we kinda fell in love with the idea of Ireland through hearing the old songs and laments in the bar. Each night we would be singing along to the rebellious Wolfe Tones songs or other Irish classics like “The Irish Rover” or “Ride On” and it started to feel kind of nice to be a part of this little Irish community in another part of the world.

Irish music really gets to me nowadays, when I hear the old rebel songs or the really old songs about the beauty of Ireland or Irish women I get all nostalgic! I feel like I’ve been away from Ireland for a long time even though it’s only been 13 months! I think I had left Ireland behind in my head a long time before I left the country though. For years I listened to American rap and hiphop and then British grime and rap, I immersed myself in different cultures, dialects and beliefs through this music. I’m not saying I want to be some freak who listens to old Irish music all day but sometimes when I’m in the mood il put on some of my favourite pieces from Riverdance, or listen to some Christy Moore and I really enjoy it! Irish musicians and composers are some of the best in the world (maybe I’m biased but I don’t care) and the music can sometimes be so haunting and beautiful. Anything with the harp, tin whistle, bodhrán or uilleann pipes is so typically Irish.

More recently I heard of the Dropkick Murphys song “Shipping Out To Boston” and it reminded me of that musical part below deck in the movie Titanic where they are with the lower class Irish drinking Guinness and doing Irish dancing. The energy in both pieces and yet the Irish feel from the music it just makes me feel proud and honoured that I am Irish and that we are talented!

Now when I’m having a bad day,or sometimes even a good day, I will go on YouTube and find some nice Irish music to get in my brain and help me feel close to home and to our heritage. No matter where I end up living and what culture my partner is from I am still planning to keep my Irishness alive and pass it down to my children. I will want them to know their history and background, teach them the old folklore stories, the music and poems I loved. It could be a little while before that happens but when my baby is in my tummy il be piping them some calming Enya or a verse of “Oró Sé Do Bheatha Bhaile”.

I guess when you are away from your home country you get to enjoy it for what it is, without the daily pressures of life clouding your judgement. I for one am proud to be Irish and will continue to be for the rest of my life!

First world problems

No matter how bad I think my day is or what kind of drama I go through I just need to keep things in perspective.

Firstly, I have my good health and I am so thankful for that. I have an amazing family, boyfriend and friends. I still have a roof over my head, and if I don’t I have a mum who will take me in. I still eat well everyday. I can afford to smoke casually. I can buy toilet roll, washing powder, shampoo, toothpaste and other necessities when I need to. I have access to wifi and I have a laptop. I have a huge TV, thanks to my dad last year. I have plenty of clothes, some still with tags on. I have more shoes than I can wear. I have jackets for the winter. I have a travel card which I can afford to top up regularly. I have a drawer full of jewellery, real and costume. I get my nails done once a month and I can buy my hair dyes. The best part is even if I go flat broke over here, I have a savings account with a few thousand in it if I really really really get stuck.

Seriously my life is a party compared to some people. I need to wake up each day and be so thankful for the things I have and the things I can do for myself. Plenty of people have no welfare to rely on, no savings, not even food or a bed to call their own. And don’t forget those poor people stuck in the middle of wars or fighting in their countries. I genuinely don’t know how I would cope.

Please take a minute to just think about everything you have and what you might take for granted each day. Simple things like showering, eating, travelling on a bus… Not everyone has those luxuries believe me.