Relationships

Nightmares

I woke up when my other half was getting ready for work at 5am and then once he left I drifted off again. In the space of the hour before my alarm went off I managed to have such a horrible dream.

You know when you have a nightmare and it’s absolutely terrifying when it’s happening and the minute you wake, then once you’ve tried to decipher it and remember it all, it’s suddenly sounds kind of ridiculous? It’s so weird and annoying.

In my dream the thought of a man driving a blue 7 seater and rolling over my iPhone was absolutely horrific. I really felt like screaming and crying hysterically. And my other half and his brother and nephew were in my dream and they weren’t doing anything odd but it seemed weird still. It’s just the bad feelings and bad vibes make it feel a lot more scary than what’s happening. I don’t know if any of this is making sense!

Anyway, my main point is, I went to sleep really sad and upset and not really wanting to speak to my other half and this was fully reflected in my unconscious mind while I slept. It shows that my brain was affected by real events and was trying to replay the feeling in my dream. It’s very strange and weird and I definitely don’t feel right today.

After this job I want to go home and shower and get back into bed to try and shake off this weird cloak of sadness and fear. Crazy how small things can have such an impact.

Men and women VS A change in plans

I’m convinced that men and women will never agree on how to react to a last minute change in plan.

Now I do understand that it depends a lot on the type of person you are in general and not just on gender! I’m not ashamed to admit, I am quite an impatient person, it’s part of who I am, and I also detest change. I am a creature of habit, I crave security and when I make a plan you can be damn sure I will try my best to stick to it.

Being in a committed relationship with someone I consider to be an amazing man – handsome, loving, honest, kind, caring, funny, attentive – I find it so hard to keep on top of these bad traits of mine. He’s so great sometimes I genuinely feel bad if I get annoyed about what seems like trivial stuff.

We have never had a blazing row, we had calm discussions about three or four times in our relationship to point out what things were annoying us but all easily solved and rarely repeated…. Except this changing plans at the last minute thing. It’s come up now a few times and I feel like I have explained to him why it annoys me but today it’s happened again.

From early on we were so serious and spend almost all our time together, he practically lives here.. But it’s been a joy and everyday he has to leave for work or whatever he’s straight away saying he misses me or can’t wait to see me. But it’s happened once or twice before that his friend will text or call while he’s out and will ask him to do something. Now, being the normal happy girlfriend I am I would never stop him from meeting friends or family or going football or whatever, but if he’s made plans to return home to me or have dinner or whatever we have been texting about all day, it annoys me if he says he wants to actually go see his friend now instead, at an hours notice.

So I guess in my head it all sounds reasonable, you can’t be texting me saying you can’t wait to get home and then say you’re not coming back for a few more hours after all because your friend invited you over. I didn’t call my friends or arrange to do anything because you were coming here after work!? So you decide to change your plans cos it suits you but I’m gonna be left at home having not made any other plans? Is this being selfish or am I just trying to be fair to both. I wouldn’t and have never done this to him.

It makes me feel second best that I’m so easily discarded. I fully take on board we didn’t have much planned and we do spend loads of time together. I would just rather, instead of being dropped like a hot rock when something else comes up, that he thinks about it and maybe reschedules with the friend for the next day or something when he knows he’s free and hasn’t made plans.

So while I’m here getting all worked up and feeling like rubbish, he genuinely doesn’t see any issue I don’t think.. Like in his mind he was just gonna spend a few hours with a friend and then come down later than planned. Not a big deal right…

So are men and women programmed differently, do women take things more personally, or is this my issue completely?? Surely I can’t be alone in hating when people mess up your plans together in favour of seeing someone else?

Help me, please men and women of wordpress, give me your view and your advice.

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Getting To Know You *sings*

A to Z About Me blog questionnaire

I have seen a few blogs posting these types of get-to-know you posts so I think I might have a go. I’m a bit sick of writing about the same things so this might jog my brain a bit!

Do read, enjoy and comment or re-blog with your answers!

A. Age: 29 and 9 months

B. Bed size: Kingsize double which currently has leopard print sheets, and which I normally share with my beautiful boyfriend 🙂

C. Chore that you hate: anything involving my hands getting dirty, I also gag on the smell of bleach so I hate mopping and cleaning the bathroom

D. Dogs: I absolutely love dogs, I can’t have any where I live now but our family pets are in my mums, two miniature Jack Russell’s called Minnie and Muffin

E. Essential start to your day: A cuddle and kiss from my boyfriend and a cold drink!

F. Favourite color: I tend to wear a lot of black, but I am a girly girl who loves pink too, especially neon!

G. Gold or Silver: GOLD!!! No question here anyone who knows me knows I love all gold everything!!!

H. Height: 5’8″ (that’s such a guess)

I. Instruments you play: At the moment I don’t play any instruments but I am trained in piano up to a grade 6 diploma, unfortunately I gave up in my early teens and I wish I hadn’t

J. Job title: I’m technically unemployed and looking for a full time job (which I am struggling with and it makes my life annoying) but I am a makeup artist who does some freelance work when possible

K. Kids: I actually cannot wait for the day I get to have a child, it’s my purpose in life!!

L. Live: I guess live your life the way that makes you happy, try be positive and be kind and helpful to others, be honest and be grateful for what you have.

M. Mother’s name: Caroline … Sweet Caroline do do do good times never felt so good .. This woman is amazing!

N. Nicknames: I actually have a few! From young I was called fifitrixibell which then had many versions fi, fif, fifi.. All from fam and friends.. and most recently Trixi, from my old work friends. Also I had a nickname of Nons because of some kid that couldn’t say Fiona and called me Nona which for shortened to Nons.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Just one night when I got my tonsils taken out a few years ago.. It was totally not as bad as people tell you lol

P. Pet peeves: I have so many pet peeves I couldn’t even list them, that could be an idea for a post lol.. But I do get extremely annoyed with bad drivers, people who walk slow in front of me, people who are very fussy with where they eat (too dirty, I see a hair,it’s too run down), people who are annoying drunks, people who are late or change plans.. Lol I told you there’s a lot

Q. Quote from a movie: “nobody puts Baby in the corner”

I was raised on dirty dancing and that’s the vital line!

R. Right or left handed: Right handed, I can write mirror writing with my left hand

S. Siblings: I have two younger sisters, one at home in my mums in Ireland and one in Perth, Australia

T. Time you wake up: Varies every day, because I’m unemployed 😦

U. Underwear: I hate thongs so rarely them, I wear boy shorts or French knickers mostly and I love pretty bras and lingerie sets.

V. Vegetable you hate: I’m not a huge fan of vegetables in general, I don’t like turnip, parsnip, swede, carrots or green beans.. I eat a lot of potato, broccoli, cauliflower and mushrooms

W. What makes you run late: I am rarely late in any way shape or form, it would be a train delay or extreme traffic that made me late, I always arrive earlier than needed!

X. X-Rays you’ve had: I’ve had a few, I broke my arm in two places when I was about 14 and I badly sprained my ankle around that time aswell so more x-rays, and also I had braces so had regular mouth x-rays at my orthodontist.

Y. Yummy food that you love: I LOVE FOOD! I adore cheese and eat all sorts of cheese in a meal or as a snack or whatever I can! I love potato in any form, baked, mashed, roasted, chips.. My favourite meal is usually a huge bowl of pasta, creamy and cheesy with chicken and mushroom or something like that. I also adore a rare steak smothered in garlic butter! I love savoury foods more than sweet but for desserts I love cheesecake or profiteroles yummmm now I’m just hungry lol

Z. Zoo: I’ve been to Dublin Zoo and Fota Wildlife Park in Ireland, and also been to Amsterdam zoo twice. Don’t think I’ve been anywhere else. I love feeding time at the zoo or also seeing the monkeys go crazy!

Happy Birthday Mum

Today is my mums birthday and I am so gutted I can’t be there to celebrate with her and give her a hug and kiss. This is the second year I haven’t been there and I’ve decided that next year no matter what I will be by her side on her birthday.

We take our parents for granted so much while growing up. It’s only when you are living your own life, and can’t depend on your mum to be there at every step, that you realise how grateful you are. I am so grateful my mum did so much for me and tried so hard to keep me on the right path. I was a troublesome teenager I can admit but because of how she raised me I soon snapped out of my rebellious phase and knew I was worth more. And I knew she deserved more from me.

These days I really miss our everyday relationship, it’s so hard to not have a little chat everyday when I’m in and out of the house. I live alone (well just technically, as my boyfriend is here more than he’s not here!) and I miss knowing she’s downstairs to chat to while I make dinner or sit down and watch some TV.

As I get older and think about settling down and having my own family it kills me to think she’s not going to be there to see every day or be involved so much in my children’s lives if I remain in London. I guess I won’t know what the future holds but either way it just takes effort on both sides to make sure she is with me as much as possible or that I am with her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I hope she knows that. Good mums are actually not as common as you think and when I hear stories from other people about their mums or lack of mum, it makes me feel even more lucky.

I was raised to be a good, kind, honest girl. And that is 100% down to my my mum and her constant good parenting. I thank god everyday for her and I can only hope that I would be as good as mum as she is.

Happy Birthday Caroline xxxx

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I love his Brown Eyes so much..

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nTnPF8zizWo

Remember the first day when I saw your face
remember the first day when you smiled at me
you stepped to me and then you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about
remember the first day when you called my house
remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies although we tried to hide it
and we both had a beautiful night

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it’s me he trusts
and he’s missing me if he’s not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed
remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we compromised
and we haven’t argued since
remember the first day we stopped playing games
remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to fall in love
and I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it’s me he trusts
and he’s missing me if he’s not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

i’m so happy so happy that you’re in my life
and baby now that you’re a part of me
you showed me
showed me the true meaning of love
and i know he loves me

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it’s me he trusts
and he’s missing me if he’s not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

He looks at me and his brown eyes tell his soul

More job hunting

This whole online application process is getting soooo repetitive and boring.

I have literally applied for an average of up to five or six jobs per day the last few weeks, and I have had no replies for anything since the end of June! And even that was for a job I can’t accept due to the contracted hours being too low.

I really really need an income soon, my savings are going to run out this summer and I will be in such a quandary. I don’t want to leave London, I want to stay here and build a life with my boyfriend. If I run out of money it means I have to return to Ireland, with no money and no job and maybe no boyfriend… I can’t even comprehend. He says he will come with me if I have to go but I know he doesn’t really want to. It’s such a predicament I can’t stop thinking about it.

I need to go and read The Secret again and get some positivity top ups. I also might try some meditation because I need to calm my mind and not allow myself get panicky again.
ups.

Loneliness

It’s hard to be living in a different country away from my family and my friends. When I moved to London I really only knew one or two people over here and not very well. It was a brand new beginning for me, which I wanted and needed I think.

When I went to college last summer I met my best friend over here and she’s my rock. I met her cousin and we all became friends. I also made another friend through chatting on twitter for months before the move and I see her sometimes. I’ve made one or two good acquaintances through doing photoshoots etc but again it’s not like having lots of real friends over here.

I obviously see my boyfriend most days which is lovely and he wants to be around me as much as he can. But certain times, he wants to do other things and I’m kinda stuck with no one in the house or the few friends I have are too far away or too busy… It’s hard! I get a kind of lonely feeling or a left out kinda feeling. I definitely don’t expect him to be my shadow and constantly within my reach but I do find it hard to have not many other distractions, especially because of being unemployed, I just have so much free time. I try to do things during the day and get out of the house but it’s also a pain because I don’t have money to spare and going out in London requires a few pounds even if you don’t do much!!

I guess I miss the ease of having my car and just popping into a friend or going downstairs to chat to my mum. It’s a big difference being over here lonely and having so much spare time and no spare money!

Just have to stay positive and feel that a job is on it’s way!! Hopefully when I’m busy five days a week I will learn to enjoy my Me Time and not worry about being stuck home alone anymore!